14th Drink:: Sickness

It’s like the beauty of the night sky deep in the world of nature untouched by the vile darkness of our hands. It fills my heart with purple and deep blue. Stars sparkle behind my pale eyes and gives life where there was once but an illusion. My legs are strengthened by the glow of the moon. I can straighten my shoulders and lift my head with the strength of those warm shadows.

But it doesn’t last.

That’s what terrifies me even though I may never admit the words aloud. The sickness always pulls in again. Sometimes there’s a reason. A friend being murdered. A boyfriend stealing that final shred of innocence. Maybe I had a fight with someone I cared for. Maybe I was scared.

Sometimes it’s just a Tuesday morning and I can wake up feeling beautiful, but a cold steel bites at my throat. As the day goes on it gets harder to breathe and black tendrils are curling in at the edges of my vision, making it difficult to see the good left around me. Suddenly that hollow feeling is back and I can’t turn it off and the world falls away. You can stand next to me and brush my arm absently with your proximity yet still I am an eternity away.

And I can’t seem to scream loud enough.

Hear me! I am trapped and alone and I wonder if this time the pressure will finally snap my bones; taking my life.

But somehow… somehow this scratching, frail voice calls from below.

“We have to prove them wrong though!”

My eyes widen.

“They hurt you. They stole from you. They doubt you.”

Tears swell and my eyes close.

“Don’t give them the satisfaction!”

The blade drops.

You won’t break my heart for mine is the only power that can allow it fall apart.